I am, in an important sense, done with this life. Come July, I will have no money; I will have no job; I have proven to myself, over the past 3-4 weeks, that I am unable to hold down a job - any job - and so, fairly quickly, I will watch my life dissolve, unable to afford anything. The mortgage will be unpaid; I won't be able to afford food - well, I won't be able to afford anything.
There will be a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, until I can no longer stand the pain, the hunger, the torment, and I pull the trigger and end this life. I will, by this time, have little choice; my choices will be dictated to me me by external circumstance.
The pain, the depression, the solitude: I'm not sure that I ever felt the combination of these negative forces club at my psyche with such intensity. I am exhausted; I find myself in a state of fatigue which makes it nearly impossible to get even a couple minute's respite from the pain.
I cannot continue to live this way, in this pain, with this fatigue, and with the knowledge that things will only worsen, they will never improve. I simply don't have the strength to continue in the face of the pain, let alone everything else which haunts me: the people who have abandoned me, because I am no longer a convenient project for them to seek their own redemption through.
I wish I could convey how much the pain takes over my consciousness, my being; how I transition from a somewhat coherent, clear state of mind to a creature of pure sensation, doubled over when I stand, unintelligible sounds propelled from my mouth as the pain grips me in waves, reducing the field of my perception as if by magic, to proportions so narrow as to baffle.
But, I cannot adequately do so. Perhaps, perhaps someday when you no longer blame me for a rash act of reckless indifference, a life stopped in its tracks by me, you will remember a couple things: the first, that I lived with immense pain for years and years, and never wavered in my strength, in my ability to continue living despite the pain. The second thing I hope you can remember is the group nights, culminating in the terror, the despair, and the pain which are propelling me towards the end as surely as a missile launched from a drone finds its target.
