The Difficult Decisions: There is no postscript

The past few weeks, including the present, have been the most difficult period I have had to live through; it has been such a difficult time, in all facets of my life, that I know I can't do it again. I also know, beyond any doubt, that these weeks were a practice session, and that what is coming up will be even more difficult.

I have decided, due to this, that it is time to end what I've been calling life. There is nothing enjoyable for me; there is nothing good; there is no hope; and there is no peace, no love, and no forward progress. 

My life will only do one thing: it will deteriorate further over the coming weeks. I will have no financial means at all; I will be homeless, I will not be able to afford medical treatments. 

I am certain of this. There is no hope for me, aside from taking my own life with my own hand. 

I had been working hard at recovery; everything was taken away in the last round of setbacks, and I suffered excruciating pain on a daily basis. I've lost any progress, and am further behind than I was at the start of November.

This includes my physical well being; my mental well being; my spirtual well being. Forget even considering my sexual well being. 

I hate everything about myself: realistically, I am fat, ugly, unhealthy, socially and sexually inept - and have no power in a social sense.

It saddens me greatly that I have nothing to live for; never, in my darkest moments did I dream that my life would wind down this way. I thought that I would spend time with friends, having some fun. I put off such things all my life; instead, focused on work, so that I would be able to enjoy myself later. That was, in hindsight, the height of stupidity.

It is evident that my life will never get better. It is apparent that I will suffer setback upon setback, more and more pain, and I will experience nothing but misery the entire time. Rather than wait, in a state of misery, for the cancer to kill me while it makes me suffer, I'm going to do one thing proactively: take my own life and end this suffering.

I think the date will be towards the end of April. I wish to finish the raffle for MPN research, and make my donation to the foundation. It will then be time. I finally have something (ironically) to look forward to doing with my body.

----BobW, 2/18/17